In 2008, Mr. Belding couldn't figure out what was going on with the Tigers seemingly stacked lineup. In 2009,Tom Selleck's moustache nearly carried the Tigers to the division title. In 2010, the Tigers season flamed out early, much like the early career of Kenny Powers. Last year, Bobby B took his show over to SB Nation Detroit whereThe Dude abided to do his preview. Meanwhile, back here at D4L, Rob emptied his (not so) deep pockets to get the (in)famous Barney Stinson to woo that sweet vixen we call the postseason back to Detroit.
Unfortunately, we didn't have the kind of money required to bring in a big-time celebrity for this year's season preview (Bobby B caused a blizzard at the D4L Christmas party, if you know what I mean...). However, fear not, Tigers fans. This year's preview/entertainment/wisdom (OK, not so much on that last part) is provided by real-life MLive commenters. Are they taken out of context? Absolutely. That's why it's awesome.
1. Austin Jackson - CF
endstrong: "No frickin' way does this team score 900 runs, not with 'Big Wiff' Jackson leading off...Cabrera and VMart were screwed out of dozens of RBI's, last year, because Jackson can't hit and probably will never have a .370 OBP."
2. Brennan Boesch - RF
Michael_Jackson_789: "come on bosech you are always getting a rwinge.get tougher dude"
Click after the jump to check out the rest of the preview...
3. Miguel Cabrera - 3B
Jeff: "Miggy is still a Tiger..."
Tnovak: "I only hope Miggy is not guy shy after this incident, and cause him to be hesitant in the field."
drbpor: "I thought Cabrera was the Tigers 3rd baseman ?"
4. Prince Fielder - 1B
mseguin: "I am thinking 130 RBI this year for Prince. I'm expecting Boesch to have a breakout year and Miggy gets on base basically every game."
scot miller: "Wow, I must be an idiot. I'm thinking Prince will knock in 145."
5. Delmon Young - LF
joeyblueskys: "I can't decide which Delmon looks more like when he is running in left field: like he is running in high heels, or like a cartoon bull running on it's hind legs"
6. Ryan Raburn - DH
This About That: "Raburn and "hitter" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Truth is this is the ONLY MLB roster he would ever make and the only reason he does is because of his special "relationship" with his senile manager. Please get back to me when Raburn is hitting under .200 in late June/early July for the 5th season in a row. I'd much rather see Inge, Leyland or even Gene Lamont carry a stick up the plate opening day than this pathetic excuse for a MLB player."
napolitano: "I witnessed Raburn punch a ball over the fence last year to help the other team get a HR. I can't forgive for that."
7. Jhonny Peralta - SS
[Jhonny Peralta does not exist, at least according to MLive commenters. Over about two weeks' worth of posts, there was not a single comment about Peralta.]
8. Alex Avila - C
CharlieMaxwellFan: "Did Yogi Berra ever need a break? Avila's a young guy - he can take the guff - he just stepped on that Idiot Cano's foot."
9. Ramon Santiago - SS
El Tigre venezolano: "In his two complete seasons his avg went from Ty Cobb to Inge as the season developed."
1. Justin Verlander - RHP
patrick: "Justin Verloander has reached that point. His 24-5 record in 2011, was not a stroke of luck, & it will not end on the calculation of some sabermetric 'expert'."
scot miller: "Dang. I guess justin might only go 17-7 with 280 innings, 250 + k's, and a potential world series ring. tough luck, Justin..."
2. Doug Fister - RHP
enrapport26: "The Tigers overpayed for Fister"
3. Max Scherzer - RHP
schwartzme: "No fifth stater and Scherzer is a time bomb every start with an ERA that will be 4.5 or higher."
enrapport: "Scherzer is the Tigers #5 Starter."
4. Rick Porcello - RHP
madden_curser: "Rick Porcello or Francisco Lariano for my fantasty team???"
patrick: "Porcello is due for a breakout year & Smyly will be in the rookie of the year voting."
5. Drew Smyly - LHP
moxnix (verbatim): "that 5th inning proves Drew is just too young, offer the Toledo Roster, and if they balk, through in Ing, but get us that 5 th starter."
UDM_Titan: "DS: Needs a nickname. I think that his should be Sandy. After all from what I read here he is the greatest left hand starter since Sandy Koufax."
rwbill: "When is opening day?"
Scorpio (predicting the Tigers' win total): "With Inge, 98 wins. Without Inge, 10 wins."
bighos81 (in Haiku form): "Inge should have been cut / Will ruin the season / Fire Leyland now"
In summary, it looks like the Tigers will either go 162-0 or 0-162. Guess they better win that game on Thursday...